


beyond the abyss

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [36]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication Failure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Feelings, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, because love reasons, but there's also, there's a resolution now would you look at this, there's still some, this is not exactly better than canon just...... a different kind of hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-01-20 20:43:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18532819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: “Come on, stay with me.” The toneless plea escapes him of its own volition but he wouldn't take it back if he could. Not if it might be the thing to keep Alec from leaving him.He's one blink from devastation, but it never comes.“Okay,” Alec whispers and Magnus feels relief like never before in his life.[Canon Divergence during 3x18.]





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this at 3 am while half asleep so if it doesn't make sense, that's why.

“Come on, stay with me.” The toneless plea escapes him of its own volition but he wouldn't take it back if he could. Not if it might be the thing to keep Alec from leaving him.

He kisses Alec again and Alec returns it, firmer than before, his lips pressing almost harshly against Magnus's. His exhale fans over Magnus's skin and Magnus would rather die than have this moment end.

Alec stays close for another few heartbeats before breaking their kiss and Magnus draws a sharp breath. It feels like his last.

He's one blink from devastation.

But it never comes.

“Okay,” Alec whispers and Magnus feels relief like never before in his life.

“Thank you.” He presses more grateful kisses to Alec's lips. “ _Thank you_. You won't regret it, I promise.”

This mortal life and body may be all that's left to him but he'll be damned if he doesn't make it worth Alec's while. He has to, somehow. Because losing Alec is not an option.

“I'm sorry for making you go through this,” Alec chokes. “I'm sorry for being so weak and useless. Please forgive me.”

Tears are streaming down Alec's face and Magnus can taste them on his lips.

“I love you so much,” Alec sobs, seeking out his lips again. “I wanted to do what's best for you but I'm not strong enough.”

He's not making any sense but Magnus doesn't care. Alec is still _here_ , trembling and out of his mind but it doesn't matter because he didn't leave. Not like everyone else always did.

He's still shaping _I'm sorry_ s against Magnus's lips.

Magnus tightens the grip of his hands around Alec's face. “It's okay,” he soothes. “I forgive you. You had a moment of weakness. I understand. It's okay.”

He doesn't blame Alec. After all, if he had the choice to run away from this mess, he would too.

Alec makes a wounded sound. “No. Don't believe a word I said. I love you forever, Magnus. I don't care about magic or sparks or anything. As long as there's breath in you I'll love you.”

Magnus has a sense of reverse déjà vu. Just like everything that Alec said to him earlier had sounded off, had sounded like a stranger talking with Alec's voice, this feels like _Alec_ for the first time this evening.

He still doesn't understand what's going on with Alec, doesn't understand his words or his tears, but he trusts the feeling of Alec's steady warmth under his fingertips.

And for the moment it's enough.

 

~ ~ ~

 

That night at the Institute, after Magnus has fallen asleep even more drained than the day before, head tucked under Alec's chin and hand splayed over his chest possessively, Alec stares at the dark ceiling of his bedroom.

The memory of Magnus's gratefulness makes him sick. As if staying with him was a hardship, as if it wasn't the best damn thing that's ever happened to Alec in his miserable life.

He did this. He reduced Magnus to this state where he thinks it's kindness not to be treated like trash. After making him lose his home and his powers he now made him lose his pride, too.

Never before in his life has he hated himself so much.

But looking into Magnus's eyes, seeing the agony there and knowing it would get so much worse before it got better, he couldn't go through with it. He'd had Magnus's heart in the palm of his hand and he couldn't crush it.

Asmodeus's words echo in his mind, along with Magnus's, and he's never felt more at a loss what to do.

He thought he knew what was best for Magnus, what was the right thing.

But the truth is, he doesn't know anything at all. Not anymore.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably even more pointless than the first part haha, you have been warned!  
> You can thank Helia for this (because apparently I can never quit when someone tells me to think about something XD) and also Confused_Human for the very enthusiastic comment which encouraged me to get off my ass and actually _do_ something about this addition.  
> Special thanks to Bohemian for helping me pick cities. You're the best <3  
> Anyway I hope you all enjoy this! :)

Alec wakes from the soft clink of dishes settling on his nightstand. He opens his eyes and sees a breakfast tray complete with a glass of orange juice, and Magnus sitting on his bedside, hand outstreched halfway to his shoulder.

“I'm awake,” he mumbles, rising on one elbow, a slow smile forming on his lips. Magnus looks good. He's already dressed in a deep blue shirt that shimmers lightly, several necklaces dangling on his chest, makeup carefully applied.

It's only when Alec blinks the remnants of sleep from his eyes and the details come into focus that he realizes something is off. Magnus's smile is unsure around the edges and his shoulders are tense, his fingers clenched. Alec reaches out instinctively and Magnus's hand uncurls in his but his smile remains unsteady.

“You braved the cafeteria by yourself?” he asks. Magnus had made no secret of his dislike for the mess hall and Alec is sure that he's never before set foot in there alone.

Magnus shrugs, the movement more jittery than dismissive. “It was nothing,” he brushes off, and the way his dark eyes flitter makes Alec's stomach twist in knots.

He sits up and contemplates Magnus, but he shies away from Alec's gaze. Alec squeezes his cold fingers. “What is it?”

“It's nothing,” Magnus replies swiftly, the corners of his mouth twitching into a shape supposed to convey levity but Alec sees its falseness. His heart beats heavily in his chest.

Magnus grabs the tray and sets it in Alec's lap. “Here. I got all your favorites.”

Alec frowns down at the plate and back at Magnus. “Where's yours?”

“I wasn't hungry. But you should eat before it gets cold.”

Under Magnus's watchful gaze he pokes at a piece of scrambled egg but he can't bring himself to actually eat. He turns to Magnus, searching for words to breach the layers of deception he can feel Magnus covering himself with. Magnus's eyes widen and he blinks like startled prey, before another shallow smile appears on his lips. “If you're not too busy this evening I thought we could repeat the dinner you had planned. Any chance the Institute's head chef will indulge us?”

“Magnus...” Alec trails off, unsure what to say. He shuffles the tray aside and when he turns back to Magnus he notes an uptick in his breath, a clogging tension fixing him in place and the realization that Magnus is _scared_ of his reaction wraps around his throat. He can't speak.

But Magnus is eager to fill the silence for him. “If you want to we can go elsewhere. I'm sure Catarina won't mind portalling us. What about Taipei? You liked it there, right?”

“I did, Magnus. But--”

“Or Tromsø?” Magnus cuts him off hurriedly. “The northern lights are beautiful at this time of the year.” His eyes shimmer with anxiety, fright, the need to please and Alec feels sick. Magnus continues to make suggestions but Alec doesn't hear it.

The person talking to him looks like Magnus and speaks like Magnus, but it's not him. There's a shadow hanging over him, dampening his every movement, a web of translucent threads caging him in as if he's hiding behind himself. His soul is gone. There's not even an echo left of who he used to be, beautiful and vibrant and unapologetic. It's so much worse than even after he lost his magic, and it's all Alec's fault.

He's been such an idiot for thinking that just because he took the breakup back it wouldn't have any consequences. They're there, carving into Magnus like deep scars, and the thought that he irreversibly changed Magnus, that he made him into _this_ , permanently, it's too much.

Alec can't take it.

“Magnus, stop.”

Magnus lapses into silence immediately, badly concealed fear flickering in his eyes. He doesn't flinch back but it's a near thing, his whole posture radiating _wary_ and _cautious_ and _bracing for hurt_.

“I can't do this,” Alec whispers and this time Magnus does flinch. “I thought I could do it, for you, but I can't. I'm so sorry.”

“Are you leaving me?” Magnus asks with a voice that doesn't sound like him at all.

“No,” Alec answers vehemently, and can't help think _but you'll wish I had_.

He hesitates for one last moment, because there's no going back from this. He can hardly imagine Magnus forgiving him for this betrayal. His eyes sting at what's about to happen but he pushes through regardless. The least Magnus deserves is the truth.

“I contacted Asmodeus and he said he'd restore your magic if I broke up with you. I'm sorry.”

Magnus stares at him, unmoving, shell-shocked. “What.”

As much as he tries, he can't fight back his tears. “I'm so sorry. The deal is off now. Part of it was that I couldn't tell you about it.”

Emotions flitter across Magnus's face, too quick to identify, settling into confused hurt. “Why didn't you just tell me this yesterday?”

Alec can't meet his gaze but he can feel realization dawning on Magnus in the way the silence shifts.

“You were still considering it, weren't you? Even after everything that happened yesterday you actually still wanted to go through with it.” There's a sharp edge in his tone, incredulous harshness that makes Alec curl in on himself.

“I just wanted you to be happy again,” he rasps. “I failed. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't do this one thing for you.” His hands are clenched into fists, nails digging into his palm painfully and he welcomes the sensation. He deserves it. After everything Magnus did for him, _sacrificed_ for him, he failed to do the same. He's selfish and weak and he destroys everything he touches. Magnus would still have his magic if it wasn't for him. Magnus would have his magic _again_ if it wasn't for him. And now that Magnus knows... however he chooses to react, Alec deserves this.

 

~ ~ ~

 

A tiny, faint voice in the back of his head is telling him that Alec's actions make a twisted kind of sense, that they come from a place of very misguided love, but it's washed out by the hurricane of emotions wooshing through him, rattling his frame and his thoughts and his mind.

His fingers are shaking with rage while his heart is throbbing with pain. Because Alec hurt him, intimately, deeply, _intently_ , in a way no one ever did, or could, before. His lungs constrict around ragged breaths, his jaw clenched so hard that his teeth smart and he catches himself thinking half-hysterically that it's a good thing he doesn't have his magic because if he did it would be lashing out beyond his control.

Trying to find an anchor in the midst of all the chaos is near impossible, but instinctually his eyes latch on to Alec, his bowed head and choked off tears. His words from last night echo through Magnus's mind.

_Don't believe a word I said. I love you forever. I don't care about magic or sparks or anything._

It makes sense now, but it doesn't lessen the turmoil Magnus feels. He wants to reach out and touch, and at the same time recoil. He's torn, and lost, and lonely. Everything hurts.

Seconds drag past him, pulsing in his veins and throbbing in his temples, his hand wavering between them, unsure if he should retract or make contact.

The choice is made for him when Alec whispers, “I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough,” and Magnus belatedly, sluggishly realizes that all this time Alec was apologizing for _not going through with it_.

His fingernails dig into Alec's shoulders harshly but he doesn't care, can't care when renewed fear and anguish well up inside him, and seizing Alec in a stifling hug is the only way to alleviate even some of it. Alec leans into his arms heavily, but apart from wet breaths nothing escapes him. Magnus claws him closer.

“Don't apologize for this. _Never_ apologize for this.” He can't shape into words how much Alec almost leaving had sliced into his heart. How every fear of inadequacy had arisen and waited to strike, finally confirmed, that he was meaningless without magic even to the people who claimed to love him. It still feels unreal to shed the belief.

“But I--”

“Don't.” Magnus squeezes Alec tighter, breathing in his familiar warmth and steady firmness. His last stronghold. Alec's fingers curl around him tentatively and Magnus feels his heart rate slow, his fight-or-flight-instincts calm. This is the safety he thought he'd lost, impossibly restored.

Closing his eyes Magnus lets himself feel it.

“Are you not angry?” Alec mumbles into his skin.

Magnus exhales in a sigh. “Oh, I am angry. But more than that I need you right now.”

“I'm sorry,” Alec whisper-mouths again, and Magnus tightens his arms around him. “Your magic...”

Magnus's chest tightens, and maybe it's part of the all-encompassing emotions still lingering in his bones that shakes the words loose. “Losing my magic is the worst thing I've ever lived through, Alexander. But knowing you're by my side no matter how ugly things get... you don't know how much it means to me.”

“But it wasn't enough,” Alec protests weakly. “And you could have gotten your magic back. Your life.”

Sorrow and longing tug at Magnus with sharp hands, and his soul aches. He wishes back for what he's lost with an intensity he's never known before, and yet...

“It wouldn't have been worth it,” he answers, drinking in Alec's presence in his arms, solid and irrevocably there. The truth of it settles into all the places where he and Alec touch. “Not if it means losing this.”

 

 


End file.
